The Blogophoneator G4X – Part II

The iphone will soon be used in handling nearly every global problem in the next two or three decades. I recently discovered an application that assists the absent-minded in finding their cars.

The extent to which we rely on these innovations is far from reaching its pinnacle.

International leaders will interact with each other using built-in cameras on their phones, which by that time will roughly be the size of a fingernail. Here and now, you must be thinking that such a size seems impractical. Yet never doubt your fellow man’s capability in blurring the line between innovation and lunacy.

I picture a room suspended in an aching anxiety. Twenty of the nation’s military leaders will be gathered around a large circular table like in “Dr. Strangelove”.

“Mr. President we have a confirmation that the French are determined to invade our country within the next six hours,” says the secretary of defense.

“Fuckin’ A, man!” shouts the President to himself. “And we still haven’t discovered their motive?”

“Well, none that we can see, sir. I mean, frankly, they’re just a bunch of douches.”

“Yea, yea I guess so,” replies the President, clearly bummed out.

There’s a deep sigh from the other side of the war room. All the heads turn toward a deeply disgruntled Col. Burgensteinsenwilson.

The President bites. “What is it Col. Burgaswanwawa…..uhhh, what is it Colonel?”

The Colonel holds up his phone. “Well sir, I’ve been skyping with Japan, and they tell me that Germany told them that apparently Spain might have let slip that France finally got pissed that we’ve taken all the credit for French Fries.”

There were gasps all around the room, as everybody exchanged looks before ultimately getting out their phones and investigating.

“You don’t say,” said the astonished president.

“I do say.” said the Colonel.

“WAIT.” cried another voice. It was General Gangbanger. Sir, I have a confirmation.”

“What?!” answered the President.

“Britain just texted me. They say France is super pissed about us taking credit, and furthermore, for calling them Freedom Fries. They’re calling us a, hold on….” He squinted at the small phone for a second “…a bunch of terds. Yea, a bunch of uhh… buncha terds”

“Mr. President,” cried Colonel Burgensteinsenwilson. “We need to retaliate!”

There was general agreement around the room.

The President breathed another deep sigh. “So what do we do? France is going to be here in a few hours.

The general stood up. “Well sir I’ve got this app on my phone that can make 400,000 terminators materialize out of thin air all across the eastern seaboard.”

“No way?” relplied the President. “What’s it called?”

“Umm…let me see. I’ve got it on one of these pages.” He began mumbling to himself looking for it. “I should just put it on the fuckin’ grey bar at the bottom,” he said under his breath. “Here it is! It’s called ‘When Shit Hits the Fan.’

“Hold on just one second General,” said the Colonel Burgensteinsenwilson.

The suspense in the air was defeaining. The men could literally hear the heartbeats of each other’s smartphones.

“Did you say 400,000 soldiers across the Eastern Seaboard.”

“Ummm. yea. Why what’s up?”

“Well, you must have the LITE version of the app. If you pay like $2.99, you can get the full version. I think it gives you like nearly a million soldiers all over the country. Yea, not just on the east coast.”

“Woah.. that’s cool,” replied the General Gangbanger.

“Ok.” said the President, “Well what are you waiting for? Let’s get the full one.”

“You got it sir,” said the general. “I’m on it.” A minute passed. “Give me a second guys. I’m just puttin’ in my passwo– Oh fuck me!”

“What happened?!”

“The service has got a new list of terms and conditions. I gotta do the whole thing over again.”

“You gotta be kidding.” cried the President.

“Mr. President.” Gangbanger gave him a grave look. “Do I look like the kidding type?” He gave an overtly serious-looking expression. “Look at my face.”

“Uhhh,” the president looked around. What exactly are y–”

“Look.” His mouth completely narrow. His eyes totally wide.

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