I moved out to Los Angeles to be an actor, but I am quickly discovering that I’m a man of many passions. I’m in one of the greatest and most terrifying sorts of trouble in the world.
Hollywood
Received word that there is a gig for me up in Portland that has nothing at all to do with acting but everything to do with cars. Great. Long story short, Ford Motor Company is hosting a publicity event for automotive journalists, and they need a hand on deck with technological expertise to assist with the smartphone technology that will play a prominent role in said event. The details as to how I landed this gig are not necessary in telling this story. I knew a guy.
Anyways, the check convinced me, along with the thought of a free ride to Portland. Airfare and hotel costs were covered. I was in.
That night I had a talk with Leonardo Xavier, a fellow actor from back east. He was talking to me about the time he was thrown in jail one night for a crime that he didn’t really commit. I believed him. Leo is a good man.
He described that night as one in which a part of him died, for it was that night that he lost all his fear. Personally, I don’t think anyone can ever be fearless, but do I believe that Leo is as close to fearless as a man can get.
I think about whether the time has come for me, and how close it is, if its even close at all. Probably not. Damn. Damn the fact that its not here and that I’m so foolish to await its arrival so eagerly.
—
Writing frustrations (lead up to Portland)
Feb 19, 2012. Hollywood
With respect to writing, it might just be important to let it all rest like Hemingway said, to let the reservoir set and refill for the next day. But the truth is there is so much to say, and I feel that time is so precious. But no matter. I must stay resolved, and have faith….Bahahaha…for at least I am more proficient than I was just a month ago. A year ago I was still in Florida, and I am instilled with great hope whenever I remember this fact.
When I was a child, I spent many years in a black tunnel that would grow in darkness, closing in on me. But now things feel more right, more proper. I really don’t know what to make of these things, other than that it all feels good, and that sometimes I’m afraid, though not like before.
NO, LATELY, or in the past week at least, I’m more confident. I’m also trying to get into an established sleeping routine; but that, I am learning, isn’t possible for a writer. When something hits, it hits. You don’t get to decide when it happens.
—
Later
Sleep seems like a great laugh. I like the idea, to tell you the truth. Being up late with my ideas coming through furiously, but then it smacks you in the morning when you gotta get your ass to work! Sometimes, these nights in a dead silent apartment can get frightening and lonesome. But my apartment is on Hollywood Boulevard and that is the first thing that excites me. That, and my own music and then somehow seeing the things that Jack Kerouac saw, and loving it as much as he loved it.
—
Watching Charlie Chaplin (lead up to Portland)
Watching the ‘Chapln’ biopic with Downey Jr. Those men were performers. What in the name of Leroy Jenkins am I? I had a sloppy set tonight at Kulak’s over on Laurel Canyon. But that sort of thing happens and I am getting better at handling it. I sang ‘Man in Black’ again, and I am determined to get that song down the way I want. Yes its best to hold off performing it until I perfect it, but then I remember too that these are principles that in many cases go hand in hand.
Chaplin was a baby when he first started his career, in those vaudeville shows in England. Downey, meanwhile, has got the portrayal down to a tee, man. Both men are inspiring, and I tell myself to rest easy, but I cannot. All these passions of mine–acting, music and writing–deserve attention, no matter how raw and untested they may appear. Acting and Music both deserve as much attention as I can find the time to give. My ability to cultivate these passions all depends on my state of mind.
—
Later
I must have the focus, and the belief in what I do. A strong affirmation and confidence that my work is necessary and valuable for my own self and for others.
Steve Jobs he had such an affirmation, and it powered him in the growth of his own art. Jobs, Hemingway, and Orson Welles too. Their discipline, their level of commitment to themselves and to their work is what I am looking for. It was a strict belief that they could shape their own reality and become true masters of their medium. In their minds, the rules simply did not apply to them.
Ren Michael 